Yoda You Should Ask

YYSA Has Moved!

2007-08-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Loyal YYSA Readers,

We have relocated and are currently frequently posting on our new home:

http://www.yodayoushouldask.com/

Get your ass there soon,

YYSA

XXX-Games....Way Better

2007-08-03T15:51:00.000-07:00

YYSA has no interest what so ever in watching dumb punk rock idiots do stupid tricks with their bikes or skateboards or infinitely worse their roller blades. With that being said if X-games can promise us that we will have wipeouts like this everytime then we will glue our heads to the TV set and patiently wait for a moron to fall 50 feet from the air. Today's said moron was Jake Brown. His body suffered no serious injuries. His pride however could not be found.

Something Tells us Campbells is not going to be Happy

2007-08-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

It turns out the latest football player to sacrifice his image for Ookie is none other then Donovan McNabb. Real smart Donovan, half the blue collars of Philly are already calling for your head and you can't keep your trap shut. Note to all Football Players: Just because someone sticks a microphone in your face does not mean you have to open your 3rd grade wit up to public scrutiny. It is very simple and easy to say no comment.

I will give McNabb a little bit of a pass on this one but not his mama. She should be at every press conference with a open can of Chunky Soup and anytime a question like that comes up immediately shove New England Clam Chowder right down his throat. After all what are Mama's for.

When the Pacman is Away...Blinky Pinky Inky and Vince will Play

2007-08-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

Vince Young was in a little scuffle in training camp because safety Donnie Nickey was hitting his receivers too hard. Vince, being the intelligent graduate from Texas University, confronted Nickey and then swung at his helmet with his throwing hand. Luckily Vince did not hurt his throwing hand which would have immediately led to Tennessee receiving the first pick in next years draft.

YYSA believes that the Madden cover jinx almost got its wish in training camp already. Which makes Vince Young's 08 season pretty much Final Destinationesque. Madden cover missed him this time, but now will haunt him until he snaps his right leg cutting vegetables or loses his arm in a wood chipper that was triggered on by dollar bills flying down from Pacman's mansion.

Now normally this YYSA contributor would give you a nice top 5 ways that Vince Young's season would be ruined. As much fun as that sounds, there is one thing that really bothers us here. The fact that Vince Young was bitching about his receivers getting hit too hard. Easy to cry about that when you are the one idiot on the field fitted with that nice red shirt that means "don't hit me, I am a premadonna QB and might break a nail". It is time we stop babying quarterbacks. This is the reason that if a QB gets laid out in the regular season it is no longer a sack but now "unnecessary roughness".

First off, it is football they are playing, so technically all the roughness is unnecessary. Secondly, since when did quarterbacks become such wussies that they have to wear a red shirt so they don't get hit during training camp? And why red? I understand it means 'stop' but when was the last time an NFL lineman obeyed traffic laws? If anything NFL lineman are like bulls, which means the red infuriates their peanut sized brain.

Anyways it is time the NFL slow karl these QB's and get them back to heroes that did this.

Slap Some Chickens On It

2007-08-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

We have no problem with shortening sayings, developing common terms to represent emotions or actions, or using different greeting and departure phrases. It's the combination of senseless and idiotic words that are intended to suggest meaning that have YYSA peeved. And little did we know this has become more of a commonplace than we ever could have imagined.

Slang has been taking over the world for the last decade and has been so prevalent as to require its own translation guide. Who would have thought this nonsense would actual require explanation?

After a brief tour of the urban dictionary we discovered so many fascinating phrases; so many that it has inspired us enough to create a new meaningless-word-of the-day calendar. Please, exercise caution if attempting to use any of the following slang, you may tell someone to plug you in the ass when you really just wanted a cheeseburger.

Below you will find a new slang phrase or word to try out for the next seven days:

Thursday- Phone Smack, v.

According to our new favorite dictionary, this verb consists of hanging up your phone and smacking a bitch with it.

"I was checking my account balance to see if I could afford another O.E. but the goddamn cashier wouldn't shut up so I phone smacked the whore."

Friday- Bird Bath n.

Oh no, don't start calling your favorite neighborhood sparrow over just yet. The urban bird bath consists of quickly washing one's genitals to be prepared for unlikely action.

"I'm gonna run to the pisser for a quick bird bath. I slipped that cougar a mickey so keep an eye on her for me."

Saturday- Love Eggs n.

Unfortunately not the unfertilized eggs the girl of your stalking possesses. More like a female masturbation toy that only requires walking whilst being 'worn' inside her woman cave.

"The guys at the gym thought I was just sweating from working out so hard. Little did they know my love eggs were orgasmic when I was on the StairMaster!"

Sunday- Slow Karl n.

This has nothing to do with the postman performing a slow motion dunk in the lane. Instead this noun refers to slapping your subordinates with a shit-filled sock to punish them for uninspired work.

"Paco was taking forever grilling the flour tortillas so I cracked him with a Slow Karl."

Monday- Pozzed v.

Falling victim of this verb generally means you've been intentionally infected with AIDS by a homo.

"Jon got so wasted that his gay friend Justin made him grab his ankles and then pozzed him."

Tuesday- Waffle Crapper n.

Not the results of 5 Eggo's and a pot of coffee, rather this refers to a woman so fine she could crap on your waffles and still arouse you. (courtesy of the ace-man)

"You tapped that after you knew she hooked up with Jon?"

"I don't care man, that girl is a serious waffle crapper."

Wednesday- Kraft Singles n.

Sadly these do not taste like calcium enriched processed cheese. Deriving from the slang of cheese referring to money, this is a stack of one dollar bills.

"I rolled into the strip club with a pocket full of Kraft Singles."

As for the title of the post, we figure that would likely refer to using the fake hubcap spinning rims instead of purchasing the actual 24 inch spinners.

"I spent some much on the damn Escalade I didn't have anything left for the rims so I slapped some chickens on it and those puppies are spinning nice..."

O.J If We had Called You this is How We Would Have Done it

2007-08-02T06:59:00.000-07:00

As you probably already have heard, O.J. Simpson in his latest interview received unscreened phone calls from the audience watching. We at YYSA are happy to report that none of these calls were from women just looking to vent on the juice, but was in fact a handful of guys that were looking to deface Simpson through wit. YYSA can neither confirmed nor deny that these were our readers.

YYSA thought the best call came from Alex in Ohio who asked the juice "Remember when you played for the 49ers?"

"Yes," hesitantly responded the O.J.

"Did you kill Bill Walsh?" asked Alex.

Alex from Ohio YYSA salutes you. Not only for slamming the juice but doing it with a hilarious slam. The video can be seen here courtesy of Larry Brown Sports.

Alex from Ohio is our hero for the day and as such YYSA thought it would be fun to think of some more things that O.J. should have been asked.

"Hey O.J. weren't you in the Naked Gun movies?" "Did you kill Leslie Nielsen's acting career?"

"Juice loved you in Naked Gun...Are you Anna Nicole's Baby's daddy?"

"Orenthal, I've got a friend with a White Bronco...Do you think he is going to kill me?"

"Simpson remember that movie 'Juice on the Loose'... was that suppose to be a prequel?"

Next up we have Mike from Atlanta "Yo O.J. I love you Dawg," "Well thanks a lot Mike," responds O.J. "Anyways, member when you funded that dog fighting ring in Georgia?" click.

Anyways that's all we got on this subject. Now YYSA blogger needs to go scrub moral side of brain.

To Catch an i-Jacker?

2007-08-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

Apparently all the deviant sexual predators have been humiliated and handcuffed, thus freeing up Dateline's Chris Hansen to persecute another breed of degenerates.

In typical Apple fashion, the i-Pod has spawned another vowel nickname: i-Jacking. It seems that the lower class teens have found a way to even the score with braggart classmate flaunting his i-Pod; take it from his punk ass.

As to be expected from classy NBC, the show intentionally plants i-Pods in popular public places, then retreats to the hidden camera waiting for some smooth criminal to pocket their mp3 player. After allowing the i-Pod to be stolen, NBC waits for the thief to use it, then tracks them down to have some casual face time between Hansen and said criminal. On the bright side, petty street crime is not just restricted to urban youth any longer; all ages, races, and classes were giddy to slip their sweaty palms around the musical marvel.

Now which is morally worse? The people who swipe an unattended i-Pod begging to be put into use, or the show that reaps profits by intentionally tempting the same people who are socially influenced by the media they output?

Nothing is more irritating than the over-zealous citizen who believes they should be involved in the nation's moral and legal movement.

Chris Hansen, you are an i-Hole.

Dead Tradeline

2007-08-01T06:18:00.000-07:00

The baseball trade deadline has passed and like most trade deadlines in all sports it was a lot of hype and not much else. Kind of like Spiderman 3 in that regard. Damn you Sam Raimi. Anyways the only trade really worth mentioning is Eric Gagne, former steroid user, being traded to the Boston Yankees. Oops my bad Redsox. Anyways here is how we see GM of the Redsox, Theo Epstein, breaking down whether or not to trade for Gagne.

Is he white? check.

Does he have a beard? check.

Overweight? check.

Overpaid like JD Drew? Past his prime? check. check.

Could Bostonians see themselves in him? check.

Man Epstein has a tough job. We could totally see why you would pay a 31 year old GM millions.

Street Justice: Prince A-Hole Handcuffed to Rolls Royce

2007-07-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, a supposed prince of Germany, was recently robbed at gun point by three women who then hand-cuffed him naked to the steering wheel of his Rolls Royce. I swear I saw this in a movie once, however one of the girls ended up stealing a pearl necklace as well.

The Prince has never been on anyone's favorite list; especially not Zsa Zsa's after he claimed to pork Anna Nicole Smith.

Who Didn't?

What List are You on?

2007-07-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

There once was a day when there was only three types of lists you could be on. Back when gas was cheap and Presidents were smart there were the A-listers, the B-listers and everyone else. However, over the past decade there has been this infusion of former members of list A and B making feeble attempts to get back on to those lists. Combined with the help from the brainwashing scum at Vh1, these sad excuse for human beings try to infect the minds of 14 year old kids everywhere into believing them as A-listers. To better explain that YYSA created this analogy...

Vh1:Brainwashing kids into thinking Scott Baio matters:: Joe Camel:__________

A. Helping kids learn the destructive habits of not spitting every 5 minutes

B. Warning Children about the harmful ramifications of not wearing shades
C. Blatantly convincing kids that smoking is cool

D. All of the above

Anyways YYSA has most recently been bothered by Vh1's new show "Scott Baio is 45 and single..." That's right fathers everywhere, now not only do you have to worry about your teenage daughters mind being melted away by the boob tube, you have to worry that next time she goes out "Scott Baio is 45 and single..." Next time you catch her watching an old "Charles in Charge" on Nickelodeon you best turn it off and take her to church immediately. So Vh1 has got YYSA thinking....What list is Scott Baio on now?...or infinitely more important what list is YYSA blogger on?

A-listers: The highest of the highest. You make this list because you are a great actor/athlete, Superstar rapper, filthy rich and can pay to make this list or because Daddy is filthy Rich. (i.e. Will Smith, Jay-Z, Bill Gates and Paris Hilton respectively)

B-listers: Second in Command. You make the list because you have always been or are now a complimentary actor, You want to be a superstar rapper but no one else wants you to be, You are filthy rich but a tool or you are a retired athlete making commercials with a superstar. (i.e. Morgan Freeman, Kanye West, Mark Cuban and Charles Barkley)

C-listers: The hottest of the hot. You make this list because you are a super hot chick that will become target practice for horny A and B listers. (i.e. Those ridiculously hot chicks that you don't know who randomly request to be your friend on myspace. "How do I know Giselle from Wisconsin?" YYSA blogger asks thyself. Then they pitch you on their webcam....bitches)

D-listers: The Vh1 exclusive. You make this list because you starred on a hit reality show on either Vh1 or MTV and then was able to somehow swing it into 3 more shows. (i.e. Flavor Flav)

E-listers: In honor of E from Entourage. You make this list because you are part of an entourage of someone from list A or B. Hell you might even be there manager. (i.e. E, Turtle)

F-listers: You use to be a D-lister now you are dead. Somehow you still manage to make news headlines, haunting people everywhere. (i.e. Anna Nicole Smith)

G-listers: G list by choice! You make this list because you are the money man. Hell, if you chose to you could make it all the way to D list or maybe even B. However, you respect yourself and money way too much. (i.e. Ari Gold)

H-listers: You a ho.

I-listers: You are Pacman Jones before you knew how to make it rain.

J-P listers: White Collar. You are the boss. You are not rich by any means but you are certainly not hurting. You can even occasionally make it rain with singles.

Q-X listers: Blue Collar. You work for the boss. You make a decent wage, lead a good life and wonder what the hell is wrong with all these listers above you.

Y-listers: You are a contributor to this blog.

Z-listers: You read this blog.

Well that's all YYSA has for you now. So to recap, You are the low man on the totem pole and you should protect your daughters from Scott Baio.

Almost Embarrassed to be a Man

2007-07-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

Anyone seen the latest Viagra commercial? As if having erectile disfunction wasn't emasculating enough. I'm assuming the folks at Viagra hope one day all men will join together and happily sing songs regarding their flacid lifestyle. Hope none of these gents is your father...

Beer of the Week

2007-07-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

We here at YYSA would like to install a new weekly segment to our already rigorous schedule. As if our evident love for our yeast-filled beverage wasn't professed frequently enough, we felt our best friend deserved even more tribute with its own weekly highlight: the beer of the week.

Being that this is the first installment, we chose to not go too foreign nor too simple. The beer for this week, and presently being consumed, is Budweiser. Not Bud Light (that will certainly have its day in the sun), but the Beachwood Aged taste and smooth refreshment of a Budweiser. And as if alcoholics couldn't find more productive things to do with their time, the beer comes with its own inspirational acronym:

Because yoU Deserve What Every Individual Should Enjoy Regularly.

Tell us that doesn't make you thirsty.

UPDATE: 10K Wasn't Enough!

2007-07-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

For those of you painfully remembering my long-winded dispute regarding Brynn Cameron's plea for $30,000 a month in child support to raise Matt Leinart's son, I will keep this update sweetly concise.

The news broke today that a settlement of $15,000 a month was reached; need I remind you of the $1.4 million in profit Brynn was making if she would have only gotten $10,000 a month?

Maybe the sack between my legs make me inherently biased, but I feel this reward is atrocious for a woman living at home whom had already been given a new ride by the bastard father and was already standing to gain $500,000 in profit from the $6,000 a month original agreement.

Let this be a deafening warning to you handsome college athletes; double bag it, son.

R.I.P. Bill Walsh

2007-07-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

Former NFL coach Bill Walsh died today at the age of 75. The three time Superbowl coach died from leukemia, which he was diagnosed with in back in 2004. Walsh developed the west coast offense and for the most part introduced the NFL to the passing game and helped make football the entertaining game it is today. Because of this we are giving him a free pass on introducing the NFL to Dennis Green, as can be seen in his coaching tree. You are who we thought you were Bill Walsh, one amazing football coach.

This is Sparta!

2007-07-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

Good Monday minions. Being that it is Monday and everyone should be stuck back at work and hating life, YYSA is here to remind you that this week is not so bleak for tomorrow "We Dine in Hell". That's right, 300 is finally coming out on DVD. In light of this YYSA is supplying you with a list of things to watch in between your beat off sessions about the release of last years best film.

Hell's Kitchen - Fox 9:00 Eastern: YYSA is not familiar with this show, nor do we care about the premise what so ever. All we know is that if tomorrow 'We Dine in Hell' then Hell's Kitchen is probably a good place to start. This could be a reality cooking show for all we care...

Modern Marvels - History 8:00 Eastern: YYSA does not usually watch this show but occasionally is too drunk to find remote. However, tonight's particular episode states "examines the history, production and uses of 'sticky stuff,' those adhesive substances that repair life's mishaps and helps us keep it together"; Even though YYSA parents would probably tell you that 'sticky stuff' created their mishap in life, this is actually a show about "duct tape". Which is something we need to know plenty about since we have to kidnap this guy tonight and insure a certain baseball record stands.

Dr. Phil - Check your local listings: In order to really get the rage going YYSA recommends you turn to this show at some point during your day. This enemy of man hides behind the cloak of "Dr." but we really know he is a robot controlled by this woman. She is trying to enslave man and make him do things like "provide, listen, care, don't leave the baby mama". YYSA recommends only watching in five minute increments and if you feel like you are getting light in the loafers, immediately switch over to NFL network.

If none of these programs can wet your appetite that is craving some bloody spears and ass kicking Trojans, then pop in Sin City. If you don't own Sin City just watch the whole show of number 3. You don't deserve to be man.

754*

2007-07-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well Barry Balco hit dinger number 754 last night. Which pretty much means the world is going to end in less then a week...possibly even tonight. So feel free to use that excuse to get laid tonight. Anyways with Fat Head about to tie and possibly break the record, we here at YYSA have been thinking of what exactly we would like to see happen once Barroid hits it out.

After number 755* splashes into MaCovey Cove Barry's Bat turns into a swarm of Bats and attacks his body as he trys to round second. Then they airlift him and drop his juiced body into MaCovey cove where underneath the water Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle wait to pummel his body with some long overdue home run cuts.

After number 755* sails into the outfield and a fan grabs it and begins to celebrate his new occupation of extortion. The fans at the park erupt in cheers, only to have their jubilation abruptly interrupted by the hand of god coming out of the sky to smite them. God then cuts a border around San Francisco and lets it sink into the ocean. After all he has been steamed for decades while gay people get married and transsexuals run free. The home run just put him over the top.

After number 755* squeaks over center field insuring that Barry wont have to pay anyone for the home run. He then rounds the bases and before touching home whips out his shrinking member and pisses on home field staring directly at Bud Selig above the home field dugout. This all being broadcast on ESPN HD shows the true effects of what steroids can do to your junk instantly curing all sports of steroid problems because no kid wants to lose his man meat in exchange for a head like this.

After number 755* rockets up the left center wall a fan grabs it and them immediately throws it back in disdain. But not before he takes out a sharpie and draws one huge * on it.

I am really hoping for number 4 to happen but I would be fine with one through three as well so I guess I'll see you in San Francisco...

$26 Million Mistake

2007-07-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

Randy Johnson announced today he will be undergoing a back surgery which will put an end to this un-productive 2007 season of his. Fortunately the D-Backs have found themselves in playoff contention without the help of the 6'11" Unit, which leads me to wondering where else the D-Backs could have invested the said $26 mil:

1.) Curt Schilling. We're still paying the loud-mouthed bastard deferral payments from his inflated contract with us; paying him off would satisfy those of us asking for his head.

2.) Any other starting pitcher. $26 million would likely provide a starting arm for several years, not the 2 years Johnson will collect it in.

3.) Marketing. Fan attendance is at records lows. Sure the television ratings are soaring but who wouldn't watch for the chance at seeing chicks in HD bouncing around in the unnecessary outfield pool. And I do mean bouncing.

4.) Merchandise prices. The team gift shop is outrageous; spread the $26 mil across the board so I can buy a fitted hat and still have dough left for my next jumbo Bud Light.

5.) Security. Just last night some bum made it past the pitchers mound in a sprint across the field during the ninth inning of a tied baseball game. Retired secret service agents can't be that expensive.

Trading Johnson to the Yankees after he pitched his final peak season of baseball was an excellent decision; taking him back was the complete opposite.

No Mike Vick Jersey For you!

2007-07-27T17:34:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that the NFL has pulled Mike Vick jerseys from NFL.com YYSA even tried creating one and it says that is a 'foul' word. Which leads us to believe that he is done playing football. However, the high and mighty No Fun League will still let you create these jerseys so hurry to NFL.com you miscreants and buy while you can!

Dawgkilla

DoggFighter

ElectroPuppy

FookieOokie

DogDelicacy

BadNewzKenel

FlickVick

Guilty

Those are just a few of the moronic words I typed in with no intention of donning the infamous number 7. If you want to think of some more fun names you can put on your personalized Ookie Jersey you can do so here.

I will have another useless post shortly so stay tuned...

Wii, but BIG

2007-07-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

My experiences with arcade style sports games have varied; the first true arcade style sports game to me, was NBA Jam. NBA Jam was a hands down classic, being able to play as AL Gore is a sensation that will go unrivaled in any video game. After that I indulged in NBA street which kept me entertained simply due to the cartoonish and customizable afros.The next that sticks out in my mind was NFL Blitz. I found this game a little over the top for my liking, however when NFL Street arrived I dedicated a full semester of college to slamming beers and dominating the dorm room challengers.

My most recent game of purchase under this category was The BIGS. I purchased it for the Wii console; fortunately I have gotten over my self-conscious nature and have not been embarrassed to be standing in my underwear with a beer in one hand and 'nun chuck' in the other. I was originally frustrated with the seemingly unresponsive and illogical mechanics of the game however once I was able to accomplish the main baseball objectives I was able to enjoy the arcade experience. In a discouraging turn of events, I had to cut my playing time short after pulling a bicep as I 'threw' the ball as hard as possible from left field to create a play at the plate (Pujols destroyed my catcher to further inflict ego-injuries).

Generally, arcade style video games resonate negative connotations with me, however I was able to enjoy this game for what is was and will be supplying updates as I unleash a wrath of domination upon my YYSA counterpart.

Weekend Warriors

2007-07-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

It’s that time again; the time for letting your hair down, making no excuses for getting smashed, and attempting to score without succumbing to hogging while avoiding the perils of a Lohan-like DUI. To be concise, it’s the weekend. All of us choose to spend our much awaited weekends performing different useless activities and each of those come with their own set of pro’s and con’s. Many of us break out of the homebody shell and allow ourselves to see the light of day while others submit themselves to the cave-like atmosphere of dance clubs.

We here at YYSA can promise the loyal following that we will be participating in vast beer consumption with a helping of some finely prepared barbecue food (as if we need to generate more heat in Arizona).

I'd Like $6.5 Million to Raise Your Child Please

2007-07-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

In this heated article I will use all available resources to justify why I feel this issue is more atrocious and despicable than a couple of dogs biting each other. The issue? Child support. In more specific, Brynn Cameron’s plea for $30,000 a month to raise a child.

Before we delve too far into this issue I must pay homage to my second father; I am a self-proclaimed Leykis 101 student and have been smiling ever since my rebirth. The first thing I learned is being a feminist is good, and better for us (men).

Hopefully my attempt at a shocking attention grabber has succeed and I now have your undivided attention, let’s breakdown this down dollar for dollar.

For a quick recap, 2004 Heisman trophy winner and current Arizona Cardinals quarterback, Matt Leinart, lowered his standards and impregnated Brynn Cameron; she subsequently gave bir th to their male child Cole in October 2006. Since then Leinart has been enjoying the bachelor life the way any 24 year old millionaire should while Brynn has been jealously watching on the sidelines, collecting her paycheck. Currently Brynn receives $6,000 a month in child support payments from Leinart. For the sake of argument and nice round numbers let’s assume she is unemployed due to the burden of this child.

According to this nifty baby-cost calculator I came across on the world wide web, the cost of raising a child to the age 18 AND putting the child through a 4 year university is approximately $650,000. For fun, let’s say we buy the kid a car, a Rolex, pay for his wedding, and maybe he lives off his mother till he’s 23 (who would dream of such a thing?). With that in mind let’s bump that total up to $800,000. $800,000 over 23 years means it costs us about $35,000 grand a year to raise, support and send off into the world our baby boy. Under the current child support agreement between Brynn and Leinart, $6,000 a month, Brynn will have a received a total just under $1.3 million in 18 years, or $72,000 a year. Subtract the child cost we calculated at $800,000 (in 23 years mind you), that leaves her about $500,000. Now that comes out to under $30,000 a year in additional income; I think Brynn deserves a raise, she is bearing the burden of a child solely (I’m sure she’s found some sap who volunteered to help raise a NFL quarterback’s child by now but we’ll leave that out of the equation), she’s likely emotional and suffering a decreased social life (fellow 101 students running from a single mother), and she is the estranged girlfriend of an NFL quarterback so I say we give her $10,000 a month. $10,000 a month means $120,000 a year or almost $2.2 million over 18 years. Subtract the $800,000, which is inflated since that number is over 23 years, and that leaves her about $1.4 million or an additional income of over $75,000 for 18 years. To restate this in brief, we have completely paid for a child for 23 years and STILL make an additional income of $75,000 a year for 18 years!

Here’s the real kicker, child support is tax free! So let’s back-add tax of 35% to her total and that $2.2 million is really like making $3.4 million!

Suddenly Brynn wises up and decides to invest some of that motherly income she earns. So she takes 30% a month of that pure child-expense free income and invests it in a money market account earning 7% APY. I can’t come close to computing compound interest but that investment would yield her about $450,000; that’s comparable to many baby-boomers retirement savings.

Currently she receives $6,000 a month, I did the math with $10,000 a month; imagine if she got the $30,000 a month she wants.

Now many say that child support should be based on an equal percentage of the payer’s income; listening to the Herd today bastard-father callers stated percentages ranging from 17% to 30%. Let’s put Leinart somewhere in the middle at 23%. 23% of his after tax monthly income is around $75,000; I don’t I need to do that math for you.

This is a clear example that a blanket percentage is not the solution; the amount needs to be viewed in perspective to a quality life for the child and single mother. I would say $120,000 a year would provide one hell of a quality of life for said child and single mother.

$6,000 a month is fair, $10,000 a month is generous, $30,000 is absurd. Let me remind you in all the calculations done she wasn’t working; in other words not bringing any additional income. And keep in mind this is Leinart’s current salary; a decade down the road and paying any of those monthly amounts may not be such an easy task. He may have to team up with Matt Lauer and create Matt & Matt in the mornings to further infuriate and torture my YYSA colleague.

Personally, I think it sounds like a good break for Brynn. I’m sure the vagina-splitting birth was painful but worth it to never have to work again for 18 years and still live lavishly.

All that being said, we here at YYSA are willing to make Matt a hell of an offer and raise the child for only $5,000 a month; and we’ll let him see him on weekends and maybe even get some suite tickets at UPS Stadium to let junior see daddy play.

Keep your head up Matt; you’ve only got 206 monthly installments left.

Keep Your Hanes Off Me

2007-07-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

The latest actor on the downside of his career to try to latch on to his airness to take him back to the top is Cuba Gooding Jr. Before him it was Kevin "Please don't show us your" Bacon. At first here at YYSA we hated this because we purposely stopped watching their movies to eliminate them from our brain.

However, we now see this as the perfect opportunity for Michael Jordan to dunk them into oblivion so that we can all move on. So we commend you Hanes for giving a just ending to shameful acting careers. We have compiled a list of actors for you Hanes, that we would like to be jammed out of existence by the great one.

We are still not buying your boxers though. The fear of waking up with MJ hovering over us about to grope our balls to satisfy a bet made while golfing with Charles Barkley is just too great. Without further to do here is the list...

John Travolta: It's a shame that the guy that brought us "Royal with cheese" could make this list. However, just because you had great roles in 'Pulp Fiction' and 'Face Off' does not excuse you for purposely trying to book end your career with two of the gayest roles of all time. Then again maybe he is trying to tell us something... Dunk him away MJ...but watch the backside D.

Dane Cook: Unfunny comedian turned deplorable actor and now a shameless promoter for the MLB. We want to make sure to get rid of you before we get it in our heads that we can be comedians and hit it big, only to be heckled off stage. Then have to hang ourselves from the shame. Don't even bother dunking this one Jordan just suffocate him with your sweaty boxers.

Eddie Murphy: Having quite possibly the funniest stand up video in "Raw" does still not excuse the debacle of your career known as "Daddy Day Care". It is a shame to have to do this to Dr. Doolittle, because he could have seriously helped out the FBI in the Michael Vick case with his uncanny ability to talk to animals. Then again, they did make a a second "Daddy Day Care". Slam this animal speaker home Jordan with your drooling dog tongue sticking out.

As for now this is all we can see being in the next Hanes Commercial...However there are several actors/actresses that we agree are now on notice.

Lindsay Lohan: For all intensive purposes she should already be on the list...but we come to find out that her next movie she plays a stripper. So you are safe for now Lindsay but once we finally see all you have to offer there will be no reason to stop #23 from putting you out of our misery.

Justin Timberlake: You tread on dangerous grounds....stick to the singing career JT.

Eva Longoria: We could forgive you for marrying a Spur but not a Frenchmen to boot. You still have time to save your self Eva...it is called divorce.

The Entire Cast of Fantastic Four: If you all get together and make another disappointing comic book film then we will have no choice but to send his greatness out to get you. Yes even the Golden State Fan...Girl can not act.

Well that's all we got today. Let us know if there is anyone else you want to throw up on the board for Michael Jordan to Slam out of your life and free your mind. Note to MJ: Sorry we did not supply the point spread for this, We know you would totally plunk 100k on Dane Cook.

The Pac Keeping the Powers that be in The know

2007-07-23T22:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. All Goodz,
It's me your boy! Pac. N e Wayz fool, I beens hearing your probs with the whole Vick stuff....and Can I just say that the PacMan is here to take care of whatevas. Pac absolutely would love to make it rain on those dog loving bitches.

Or mabe even Pac's could start his own bitch fighting ring. Only my bitches will be 5'5" 102, coked out with claws from hell and spikes on their feet. Maybe even you could help me out in gettin some sponsors for it, Pac was thinking maybe Nike could even make their uniforms seeing as though they about to free up all that cabbage from Vick.

Well Pacs just wanted to run that by you and see what ya think and don't fret Mista Goodz Pac don't go to them strip clubs no more, he makes sure to keep it all on the property.

Much Love from the Pacman

Dear NBA, Thank You- Love Goodell

2007-07-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

Dear David,

From one commissioner to another, I would like to express my undying gratitude for the recent actions of your league, you guys totally bailed me out; those PETA bastards were really breathing down my neck!

I understand your plight my friend; you would think returning to the leather basketball would satisfy these monsters but now they want fair officiating too?!

It's a tough break Davey, but here at the NFL times are finally getting better; I sacked up and denied Vick access to training camp plus I haven't heard from that Tank in quite awhile.

I'm here for you ol' pal, ever since 85' since those punks been trying to hold you down but I knew they had nothing on David "Salt & Peppa" Stern. That being said, I have reason to believe Peyton Manning may be susceptible to a DUI come the start of the 2007 NBA season (wink, wink).

Take care my friend, I'll be watching you from the gridiron.

Love,

Roger

Painful to Watch

2007-07-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

I can't really comment on the subject without being completely and blatantly biased. So I will let the video be the evidence. You be the Judge

Warning...Stay away From Sportscenter Today....

2007-07-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

Just to let everyone know, our arch nemesis, Mike 'Tool' Greenberg, is cohosting today's sportscenter with his fat counterpart. At YYSA we know that the world wide leader read this blog and has made the decision to put them on Sportscenter in a brilliant ploy to get these bloggers to hang themselves. As if Tim Donaghy screwing the Suns in game 3 against the Spurs didn't make us already think about putting the noose on. So in honor of Mike and Mike telling YYSA to bite the bullet.....Here is what not to watch today

SPORTSCENTER: ESPN 6:00 Eastern

"Welcome to Sportscenter, I am Mike Greenberg here with Mike Golic, where we have brought extra donuts today to keep Golic happy" (Insert Simpsons plug)......What's that you said Greenbag? All I heard was "I'm a Tool, I'm a Tool"

CMA - MUSICAL FESTIVAL "Country's Night to Rock": ABC 9:00 Eastern

First off it is country and should be avoided for that alone. Secondly it is on ABC, and if Disney expects us to support this, while at the same time shoving Mike and Mike down our throats, Mickey can blow us. And lastly the title says it all 'Country's Night to Rock', actually you guys don't rock, you country.

GREEK: ABC Family 9:00 Eastern - It's like national lampoon, minus the humor and nudity.

There you go YYSAers avoid these programs or your limp less body will be swinging from a truss next to these bloggers.

Strong, Silent, and Gone

2007-07-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

In what this writer considers to be a serious off-season mistake, the Phoenix Suns have put their luxury tax fears to rest and traded away the unspoken-hero of the 2007 Western-Conference Semi-Finals. Not only that, but they bundled it with a couple of future draft picks for… a second round future draft pick?!
Now many are likely questioning, “Who is the unspoken-hero if they lost the series?” My answer to you, oh loyal reader, is no other than the strong, silent veteran Kurt Thomas. It’s the truth, the Suns did not win the series, regardless of any foul play past or present. However in my mind, one incredible bright-spot of the losing series (other than Nash’s continual domination) was the veteran savvy of one K.T. Now you’re saying, “but Ol’ Softy still averaged a double-double!” Also true. But the Softy himself will tell you he had to work for every single basket while K.T. was guarding him and these were no easy points or rebounds. K.T. allowed our guards to roam the perimeter as they should to protect the outside game and he never failed with the of so tissue soft 15 foot jumper.
Besides the impact he had on that should-be NBA Finals series, I don’t believe Stat has learned enough from this beautiful opportunity he had been given to study a veteran who is arguably the best at some key fundamentals; boxing out, and post-defense. Stat is still obsessed with the more glamorous aspects of the sport; however I can’t blame because I too would attempt to rest my sack on the head of all who attempted to challenge any of my tantalizing dunks. However, in being a team player, Stat needs to realize Nash’s window is closing and they currently have the best roster for making a respectful championship run.
K.T. brought these down to earth fundamentals to the team and was never given the credit I feel he fully deserved. With that being said, K.T., I thank you oh humble-fundamentally-sound silent warrior of the post.

The Fix is In

2007-07-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

Sports By Brooks informs us this morning that a NBA Ref is involved in a point shaving scheme with the Mafia. We at YYSA want to know when Billy Crystal from Forget Paris met Billy Crystal from Analyze This . Well regardless of who the whistle blower is we are happy about anything that pisses the devil off....

Barry you Suck....Calm down Manilow

2007-07-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

This blog is about a month ahead of when I wanted to post. As we sports enthusiasts aka ESPN Drones already know, Barry Bonds hit two dingers in Chicago today and is only three away from pissing off baseball fans everywhere. While Bud Selig sits in his dungeon today underneath Miller Park contemplating whether or not to come out and watch Barry slug away the credibility of baseball statistics, I am taking this opportunity to give my take of Mr. Bonds quest.

Let me start by saying that Barry Bonds overall is a dick. He may be a great player but lets be honest, take away all the baseball lore and he is pretty much just an asshole. He is mean, doesn't care for the people that cheer for him and overall is just an angry person (side note to Barry, if you are interested in getting on as a 'hateful contributor' to this blog just let me know). With that being said, this record breaking sucks. Mainly because Bonds broke out of his slump jacked two bombs and pretty much dashed all my dreams of catching the ball, drawing an asterisk, throwing it back and making it on the 'Today Show' the next morning to slap hands with Regis and make sweet sweet love to Kelly Ripa.

All that and of course the guy is a CHEAT. Sure 'take the other side of the argument guy because he can' will tell you "Bonds has never tested positive". Well punch that guy in the face and remind him that Barry took some cream and clear substance....but didn't know what it was.

Sure thing Barry, I also unknowingly inhaled some smoke in college and then pulverized two bags of Doritos much like you did to those baseballs today. Of course that in no way helped my performance, which is why I am writing for this blog instead of the Washington Post. But don't try to tell me steroids did not help his HR total. Yes I know 'guy that likes to argue', steroids wont help you hit a 95 MPH fastball but it could let you hit it more frequently and further.

So here we are on the precipice of the end and I would just like to call out to the fans in Milwaukee to please set your beer down, head to the ballpark and reign down the boos for this self inflated baseball 'icon'.

It's Not the IBA

2007-07-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

The recent transpirings that have occurred after the NBA draft have me peeved; despite being drafted into one of the most glamorous and exciting professional sports leagues, players feel they have the right to raise their nose to the team that fairly drafted them under the current NBA draft policies.

It shouldn't be hard now to assume who in particular this story is inspired by; the supposed Chinese superstar known as 'Yi'. This story infuriates me further, knowing all the troubles the NBA and Milwaukee themselves have endured to acquire a player who if anything may end up becoming slightly more limber than the current Chinese disappointment called simply 'Yao".

Its because of all this that I would like to take this time to remind all that the league has not changed it's name; it is still the National Basketball Association, not the International Basketball Association. And the reason all of these foreign cross-continental players are lining up to get into the NBA is because it is the best! Like most things American, ours is the best and is quite self-sufficient, not in need of foreign-grown pre-madonnas who forget the golden rule of all professional sports: it's a privilege, not a right.

Besides that, If I was to sit down and as objectively as possible list the top players from my generation, I would likely make it past number 75 before a foreigner would creep their way in; maybe Tony Kukoc, maybe Detlef Schrempf. For some reason, when thinking of foreign players thoughts such as cheap, boring and whiny find themselves bouncing between my ears.

All that being said, I say it’s time for the NBA to return the favor; these players think they can pick and chose their destination and if they’re not happy with where they end up they can simply say ‘no’, and attempt to threaten us with the thought of not acquiring the player at all. Remind these sissies that it is a privilege to play in our superior league and they wouldn’t be attempting to get into it if they didn’t know that already. To those who say Milwaukee should have avoided the whole situation altogether, knowing the Chinese’s expectations, I say watch a full season of international play, no NBA. After that experience, tell me how desperately you would be willing to get into the NBA.

Mike and Mike - Yea We Get it....Your Names are the Same

2007-07-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

Mike and Mike in the Morning are killing me slowly and painfully. It took me a while to get to this point. In fact, I will admit it, when I first started listening to them (pre having to stare at Mike Greenberg's smug pompous ass on Television) I found them a little humorous, much the same way the first 5 minutes of Fantastic Four is entertaining. Then they hit you with another fat joke of Mike Golic or another critical New York (favoritism) update.

Now evidently I was not the only person to like them in the beginning because now everywhere I turn ESPN is trying to cram more of this metro sexual 'journalist' (Greenberg) and this forgettable football player (Golic) into the already messed up void between my ears.

Here is how the greedy bastards at the World Wide Leader have assaulted my Intelligence by supplying additional resources for these disgusting miscreants to throw more word vomit down by ear drum.

Mike and Mike move to ESPN 2 as well as radio - They made this move and then immediately turned to something you can't listen to on the radio. They use a ton of visuals for their TV audience (3 people) and basically leave their radio audience in the dark. It is like if I said I had a weird picture on the wall in my office......huh? Whats that you say? You want me to explain it to you? Well you should have been looking on my web cam bitches instead of reading my Blog.

They start announcing Arena Football games on ESPN 2 on Monday Nights - Nice try ESPN but I don't even watch AFL games.

They help host the Spelling Bee on ABC - I was somewhat interested in watching the Spelling Bee this year. Until I heard they would be on it. I probably dodged a bullet on this one, ESPN was probably having the kids spell words that would enslave my mind and immediately make me go out and buy crap like this or infinitely worse this.

Lastly Mike and Mike along with Mike Ditka will host the MNF game of the San Francisco 49ers Vs. the Arizona Cardinals in week 1 - Oh how clever, it is now Mike and Mike and Mike, all three of you have the same name, that is absolutely amazing! Now go kill yourself.

Look these two can have the AFL, ESPN 2, the Spelling Bee and hell I'll even throw in Soccer (not Posh). But they better not touch the NFL more than that one game stint, and if Greenberg uses one fat joke on Golic during that broadcast I will drive down to Glendale (40 minutes) and do Americans everywhere a favor and rid them of the cancer known as Mike and Mike.

World Series of Poker

2007-07-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

Johnny Chan, Stu Ungar, Chris Jesus Ferguson, Doyle Brunson they are as akin to Poker, as much as John Travolta, Tom Cruise and Simone Seacrest are to refusing to come out of the closet. The World Series of Poker is back on the air....and let me the first to say thank god....Waking up from my drunken escapades at 2:00 A.M. is not nearly the same without being able to turn on the tube and find my favorite fat drunks, duking it out for poker supremacy (not to mention the occasional Annie Duke sighting, which means I get in the mood to sleep that much faster).

In an honest moment I would have to say that Poker has no reason what so ever to be on television (let alone the World Wide Leader in Sports). However, when a significant flop is about to appear I find myself closer to the television then Kieth Richards to the powder machine at Krispy Kreme. Before you know it, that five minutes of 'what the hell am I watching' turns into endless searches on expedia for the cheapest rooms in Vegas to host my take over of the free world tournament.

Everyone dreams at night of being Tom Brady and throwing the game winner, but only with poker (bowling, billiards and competitive eating) can we 'realistically' see ourselves taking down the competition and starting are own supermodel family. So, until ESPN finds a way that my five digit skin crunching can turn a profit, I will continue to play/watch poker like the whore I am.

Posh Crush?

2007-07-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

On the surface, this subject would not seem to require any justification. What is there to question about developing a boyhood crush on an intoxicating vixen? This reasoning satisfies the objections of all but the overly patriotic horn-dogs.

Announcing an infatuation of this magnitude does result in backlash from the traditionalists who prefer purebred American biology to produce the Jessica Simpson’s of the world; especially when the subject of my smitten nature once proudly sang songs titled “Spice Up Your Life” and “The Lady is a Vamp”, not to mention shared the stage with Scary, Baby, Ginger, and Sporty Spice. However I prefer to look towards the road ahead and refuse to punish this darling damsel by renouncing my crush and discriminating against her because of her ‘cultured’ past. Let’s get right down to it and piece apart my newly developed lusting.

She’s English. Now this heredity can frequently scare off the male intruder due to the visions of armpit hair and decaying teeth that are embedded in one’s mind from years media and comical portrayal; but rest assured, this lady is as smooth skinned as she is a smooth talker, which leads me to that spine-tingling voice. Listening to the female half carry on a conversation regarding her challenging decision of high-heels versus open-toed sandals can undoubtedly be testing and unnerving; however if that voice was speaking to me with an accent reminiscent to that of Elizabeth Hurley I would surrender any objections to even the most trivial topics.

Her nickname is “Posh”. That word in itself, posh, inflicts desirable traits in a lady that all share one thing in common, sexy. When I hear posh I think of classy, superior, stylish, and a few other adjectives my handy thesaurus supplied. These descriptions entice fantasies of a rendezvous with the documented-healthy and expensive ‘working lady’ that will grab the reigns and guide you through a lustful evening like a blind man through a forest; yes, that is appealing to me.

She’s created interest in SOCCER! I myself, in all my restless sports following hours have never wandered past the hilarious and gut-wrenching soccer outtakes that roam the YouTube environment to educate myself on anything soccer. Now, in my humble belief, this gorgeous dame has increased my use of the phrase ‘MLS’ tenfold (basically from never to severely infrequently). That sentiment itself speaks wonders as MLS has never been on my itinerary and likely never will be; unless I yearn for the chance to catch a candid glimpse at the new interest in my life.

Beckham beware; I’ve justified my crush, now I simply need to meet her…

Triumph the Insult Dog Heading to the ATL to Beat some Falcon Ass

2007-07-17T15:32:00.000-07:00

Well it turns out that Atlanta Falcons (overrated) quarterback will in fact be indicted on charges of (Horrendous Play) Dog Fighting.

This probably means that the Falcons will (shockingly) lose the NFC South and most definitely gurantees that Coach Bobby Petrino will have nightmares all year long about not resigning Matt Schaub.

But how can the fans of Atlanta really blame Petrino on that decision......

It's not like anyone could see this coming

Britain starts new school program 'No Whore Left Behind'

2007-07-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

A sixteen year old girl wanted to wear a 'virginity ring'(sadly nothing to do with condoms) as a sign of her abstinence (allegedly). Lydia Playfoot (virgin? no way) was told by her school that the ring violated their jewelry ban.

She took her case to a high court and the court told her (puritan ass) to take the ring off. That leaves the ongoing competition: United Kingdom Crazy Sex - 1,369,585 To Puritan Panzies:0. I guess that leaves her with only two options now.

Come to America - (and just lie about your virginity, like every other christian school girl)

Or embrace your whore nation and go blow some soccer hooligans....

Whatever your choice Lydia....Everybody is a winner